Youth helps youth hotline

IN HER SPARE TIME, 20-YEAR-OLD ETHNOLOGY STUDENT M. WORKS AS A VOLUNTEER AT A TELEPHONE HELPLINE THAT HELPS YOUNG PEOPLE WITH THEIR PROBLEMS

I’m on duty on Saturdays from 3:00 to 6:00 p.m. Afterwards I am so tired, I go home and eat a lot, then I lie down on my bed and turn the TV on, so I don't have to think any more. I always feel drained afterwards, like after a really difficult exam. If I’ve had a sad call to deal with, sometimes I even cry. But only a little, fortunately I’m not a sad person myself.

When I was training to be a youth counselor, we practiced some really extreme cases. Luckily in reality it is rare for a young person to call up and say, “I’m standing on the bridge and I’m going to jump right now!” I’ve never had a case like that. But I am prepared for it. When it happens, you have to first consider that something made the caller dial our number. Of course you have to take calls like that very seriously, but you can reasonably assume that the person is not in as much danger as they first sound, otherwise they would already have jumped without calling us.

HEARTACHE IS A CLASSIC
Generally the callers have pretty normal problems. The absolute classic is, “My boyfriend has dumped me, what do I do now?” Usually the caller is a girl of between twelve and sixteen. Even after ten calls like that in a row, I still have to take them seriously.Most of the time all I can do is advise the caller to ask the boy whether maybe they could meet and just have a talk. For teenagers that in itself is an effort, most of them need a push in the right direction, then they say,“Well, OK, I’ll give it a try.”

What really gets to me are the calls about domestic violence and child abuse. Every now and again, someone will ring up and say, “My daddy started touching me last night.” The most important thing in cases like that is to tell the child or young person they must talk to someone they trust in their immediate environment. I cannot provide concrete help, I can’t send somebody around.We are also very wary about the police. Children don’t want to go to the police and say, “My daddy touches me.” They need to turn to someone they trust.

Sometimes older children call, saying they constantly have to look after their younger brothers and sisters and keep house, the whole thing. I try then to understand the situation and advise them to talk to their mother.

IT’S GOOD TO BE ABLE TO HELP
Particularly after long conversations, the callers are incredibly grateful, even if you can’t give them any specific advice on what to do. It gives you a great sense of achievement when someone says, “You’re good, you’ve really helped me.” That’s when a trouble shared really is a trouble halved.

When I recommend they contact a charity organization, a lot of people don't want to have anything to do with it. Sometimes I might ask where the person lives, so I can find something in their area. But I never find out whether they actually go. I can’t take them by the hand at the other end of the phone line.

I try to speak to callers intuitively, otherwise you sound as though you are faking it and you don't come across as genuine. It broadens the horizon to see what responses my answers and reactions trigger at the other end. I had a long conversation that I found very interesting with a Turkish girl who was older than me and had serious problems with a love affair. I don’t have any friends in her cultural group, there were no Muslims in my class at school. I was fascinated that this girl had a perspective on life that is totally different from mine. Her life is utterly controlled by her family who tell her what she may and may not do. She clearly sees that as normal, not as some kind of restriction—whereas I found it oppressive.

Boys often call when they have problems with sex. That can go one of two ways, because I never know whether there are five guys sitting round the telephone waiting to have a laugh or whether someone really has got a problem. One way or the other, I try to keep it serious.We have a sexual encyclopedia on the table next to the phone, so we can say, “Hang on, I’m just going to look that up.”

HOAX CALLS: NOT AMUSING
I don't generally get upset if someone calls up just for fun. But there are some calls that just aren’t funny. Once a girl called up and said, “My girlfriend is lying here dead beside me and she’s stopped breathing.” So I asked, “Why are you calling us? You’ve got to call an ambulance!” And she said, “Yeah, yeah she’s stopped breathing. No wait a minute, she’s woken up again, I’ll pass you over.” I told her, “It’s too late now, I’ve already got an ambulance on its way to you.” Of course that wasn’t true. But the girl deserved it. I once heard an adult counselor use that answer, and it sounded good to me. But I wouldn’t do it often. Otherwise young people would think we could track them down, which of course we can’t.

I came across the helpline by accident. After graduating from high school I spent a year doing voluntary social work, through an agency that arranges community service. When a request came up for young people to work for the helpline, I applied straight away. I do it because I am helping other people and I would like to have a hand in shaping society. And besides, it is a meaningful activity that I find fulfilling, even if it is exhausting. Voluntary work is something you have to experience, otherwise you will never understand what a great feeling you get from it.

PARENTS MISUNDERSTAND A LOT
The only thing that frustrates me is when I go out of my way to find a variety of solutions and the caller rejects them one after the other because they don't want to make the effort. But it is not true that young people today just can’t be bothered. Many have a motivation lying dormant somewhere. It isn’t let loose because they have no incentive. Then sometimes someone makes the effort and finds they enjoy doing volunteer work, and their parents and grandparents and their friends turn around and say, “What, you’re not getting paid?” Parents generally tell their children they should do well at school, look decent, get a proper job with proper training so the neighbors don't tell tales and they can say proudly, “my daughter is training to be a banker.” Whether she actually has friends and hobbies is something parents forget to consider.

Luckily, my mother is different. I was always just a bit shy. For example, I wanted to join the English theater group. But I didn’t have the confidence because there were so many unfamiliar faces. My mom just said, “Why not go and give it a try!” So I plucked up my courage. The more experience you have, whether it’s the theater or a telephone helpline, the clearer it becomes that it’s just stupid not to try things that interest you.

(Report: Barbara Bollwahn, Photo: Kathrin Harms)